Saturday, October 13, 2012

I am Courageous.

"Courage isn't a matter of not being frightened, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway." 
-The Third Doctor, Planet of the Daleks.

When I was 16 I started a little diary to my future daughter. If I found a inspiring quote, I'd write it down. If I had recently gone through a hard patch, I'd make sure to write down what I'd learned. I'd also try to take a moment every once and a while to just write my hopes and dreams and encourage her to make her own dreams come true. I still have that little journal, it's put up in my bedroom at my mom's house. I'll give it to Emmy one day. I hope she'll cherish it as much as I have.

When I was 16 I never once imagined that when I had that daughter one day I'd be raising her alone.

It's been 2 years and 2 months exactly since I officially became a single mom. That was the day I ran from the fear and the pain. All I knew was that I wanted better for my daughter. I wanted her to be raised in a loving, safe environment. It's been a long, hard road since then.

Learning to handle every sleepless night, every boo boo, bath time, and tantrum alone was hard. The cuddling and snuggling was easy, even if it seemed that's all I did sometimes. Dealing with the "times for discipline" was much more difficult. I never felt right yelling at Emmy or spanking her when she did "wrong", not after how I'd been treated in my year long marriage. She had also been affected by my fear when I was pregnant and hearing him yell at me in utero so why should I yell at her or hit her to punish? What is the real difference? All my husband was trying to do is was make me a "good wife", the wife he wanted. Why should I do the same to my my daughter to make her be a "good child", the child I want? So I opened my mind and I found my answer.

Being a gentle, attached parent after domestic violence can be difficult. You're so used to lashing out hatefully or in fear when something is not just right. I always wanted to make everything just perfect so that no would yell at me. I often felt like a failure far more so than I probably normally would have. Good mommies' babies never cry, get dirty, or get diaper rash, right? Her first bruise... I think I wanted to wrap her in bubble wrap for quite a while after that. I still struggle with that one a lot.

I had to learn to completely retrain my brain. When I did something that I thought was wrong I always had this huge desire to hide away and cry. That was the only self defense I ever had. You can't do that with a baby. Babies need you. Babies don't care that you just spilled your glass of water in your dinner, I was still her hero. Babies just want a boob in their mouth 24/7, to be warm, and snuggled up safe. I taught myself to look forward to cherish this time, to use it as a defense against negative reactions. I fell in love with that rush of Oxytocin flowing through my veins. It's all that got me through some days, my natural anti-depressant.

I don't remember a lot of when Emmy was a little baby now. I don't remember much of being pregnant. I think of it as a defense mechanism to block out all of the ugly times I have been through. I felt like I was living in a fog, just going through the motions some days. Others, I was bright and sunny. After I got out, I surrounded myself in family and friends who loved me. I made mental note of what issues really set be back into my fear and things that made me happy. I naturally controlled my depression through caring for Emmy and never once took a single pill. I took all my pain and fear and turned it into love and hope.

In March of this year, 2012, I finally woke up completely. I was finally through the fog. I had researched and learned. I had discovered how to make my own decisions again. I had met someone to whom my every action was useful to, my daughter. In May I quit my job. My business, Girls of Graceful, was finally getting enough orders I could be a stay at home mom! I also started Labor Doula training in April. I have my first client in December. I was terrified, I still am, but I do it. I can. Emmy taught me that I can do anything, especially be a single mom.


Post a Comment

Copyright 2012 Mommy Is A Nerd. Powered by Blogger
Blogger by Blogger Templates and Images by Wpthemescreator
Personal Blogger Templates