That's Life

"It's Life. Just Life. That thing that goes on when you're not there. It’s not one of those things you can fix like you fix your bow tie. Don’t give me those big wet eyes, Raggedy Man."

 -So said Amy Pond to The Doctor in Asylum of the Daleks.

I mentioned before that sometimes it feels like I'm doing everything... and nothing. Along with that feeling comes one I hate.

That I'm missing something while I'm doing everything... and nothing. She's growing before my eyes.

I remember shielding her eyes after they wrapped her all up and my mom brought her over to me. She was crying because she couldn't see because it was so bright. I was crying and I couldn't see because my world just got so much brighter.

I remember the first night she slept 5 hours in one stretch. I thought she was dead. I reached over and she was cold. I flipped out. Quickly, I turned on the light. I won't lie, I poked her. She opened those precious blue eyes and my heart melted all over again. I scooped her up and put her to my breast. She only thought I was comforting her. I needed her.

Her first word. Mama. I was so overjoyed. It felt amazing. My daughter recognized me. She may not have known what "Mama" meant but she knew it was -me-. I was more than a face and a voice and mostly boobs. I had a name, I was Mama.

And her first steps, 3 little ones before she fell on to her butt. I was so astonished. She was just 8.5 months. Not possible. I was so proud but so shocked. I think I blinked and she grew up.

Her first birthday. All green, pink, and brown. Mommy's little cowgirl. She wouldn't tear up the cake. She picked off all the raspberries and shared them with me. Her Mama. Her first love. My heart.

Shortly after she started talking 24/7. (She still hasn't stopped, by the way) She astounded me with her understanding. She was barely ONE! All the songs she could sing. Amazing. That's all she was and is. I was mesmerized.

She turned 2. She danced around in her frilly little skirt I made her. She was SO proud. She showed everyone "My mommy made me this! Mhmm!" and she would nod her head over and over. I was beaming. She danced and she twirled around house. As always, dancing to the beat of her own drum quite literally.

Dragon*Con 2012. Can you say ADORABLE? Red bows in her hair, red bow tie, light blue dress shirt, dark brown pants. She was the Doctor to my TARDIS. To anyone who would listen she said "Me da Doctor!" My little nerdy baby in all her glory. I think my favorite time of all was sitting the food court as "the TARDIS" nursed "the Doctor" to sleep for her nap. Her little cheek against my arm as she dreamed of the vampires, monsters, super heroes, jedis, and other crazy costumes we'd seen so far.

It's just life, my crazy girl. It's you. It's all I need. You are my heart beating. I close my eyes at night, snuggled next to you, and you're all I see. I'm loving watching you grow into such a happy, intelligent, beautiful, little nerdy girl. You've fixed my everything.