Something that's really been weighing on my mind lately... That line between pride/self-loving, and being conceited. I'm reading a book about self affirmations and healing your body, mind, and spirit through them. This sparked a huge thought chain.
Our society is so focused on perfection and it is really bringing us down as a species. It is definitely true for me. Physically, a lot of this is having grown up with a mom who struggled with her weight and body image which led back to people in her life desiring perfection in her. Mentally, I find trouble due to a teacher I had in elementary school who wouldn't accept anything less than perfection either. It really pushed me to expand my boundaries, but in a more militant fashion and not a place of loving and learning through mistakes. Spiritually, I have been beat down due to the way society looks at women as a lesser to men. Almost every religion places men at the head, the one to make all final decisions, who leads with pride and chest beating and grunting. Religion has had a huge impact on society thinking.
I was in an abusive marriage to a man who was abused growing up and only saw women treated, and was treated as a child, as he treated me. Part of the failure of our marriage was due to the cycle of abuse that has come down through his family generation after generation. Part of it is I was taught, as was he, that women are second to men. In the end I left because I have a strong family who gave me a safe way out and I didn't want this cycle to continue in my daughter's life- the cradle to the grave abuse.
That is only the background for my Journey now.
It is so hard for me to speak affirmations to myself. I find there is a pride > excitement > fear of conceitedness > doubt cycle going through my mind. Society. It's thoughts are so built into us. It's not ok by Social Standards for people to be openly proud and self-loving, at least very often, because of conceite, jealousy, and the desire for acceptance. It does not stick to the uniformity that has been built into us as human beings.
So now I find myself searching for a way to cleanse myself of Society's thoughts. I don't want anyone to tell me what I need to do to accomplish. That's more Society in this case. This is a personal Journey. I want to see myself as less of a caretaker, nurturer, one who lives to care for others. I also KNOW I am not conceited or looking for Society's acceptance. I am more, but what?
This is not about me being a better parent, sister, daughter, lover, or friend. It's about being a better human being for myself. I am aware this will have an affect on every single person around me but whether it's positive or negative is up to them. That's what needs to be focused on. Stop being better for everyone else, be better for you and that will bring better to you.
